下雨天，: Too much self-pity and not enough motivation. →

I don’t know if it’s because of the due-dates or I am just horrible at handling stress. But everything seem so overwhelming right now. I am sorry if you have to read this and put up with my excessive self-pity. I am sorry. But what can I do? Tumblr always make me feel slighter better if I write it out. 

Let’s say my day wasn’t great to begin with. What happened? Let me back track. 

• Things due this Monday: CS project, lab report, lab presentation (+ powerpoint)
• Note: all assignments are partner’ed work. 
• So I spent the whole day yesterday rushing and coding a 3-week long CS project. I have no one to blame that “we” started so late. (But I really couldn’t have started any earlier since I had papers and midterms before that). And before I even started, I know my partner won’t get anything done (unless it’s his individual components within in project). Honestly, that’s fine by me. Because I was so used to it that whole fucking semester. 
• BUT the thing is that even when he did his part…. his codes are ALWAYS wrong or filled with bugs. (LET ME REPEAT: ALWAYS. NOT EVEN A SINGLE TIME THAT SHIT WORKS).
• I tell him that, but you know what? He is SOOOOO adamant that he is right that he simply goes “you go look at it” aka… “you go fix it cause I ain’t changing my code because I am right.”
• WHICH means I have to go back and fix up OR just redo his parts. AND explain to him what he did wrong. omg. THIS IS COLLEGE. I AM NOT GOING TO HOLD YOUR HANDS AND GUIDE YOU THROUGH LIFE AND  Whatever, my fault. Okay. My fault. 
• So I was feeling pretty confident since I did all of the project expect one of his problems and the last problem last night. And HE FINALLY agreed to meet up today. I was like oh okay! We can finish it and submit it.
• omggg… So he wanted to meet at 9 AM. And mind you, I commute to school (which is a 1.5-2 hours trip). Which means I have to leave the house at 7 and wake up, obviously, earlier. So I asked him if we can meet at 10 instead… since I knew I was going to stay up to WHO KNOWS WHEN condensing the codes and making them nicer. 
• He said okay. I thought things were going to go smoothly. 
• Guess what. He was 20 minutes late. And guess what. He lives next to campus. 
• sighs. It didn’t bothered me that much at the time.
• Fast forward.
• He did his problem as I started on the last problem. (DANG IT. THE LAST PROBLEM WAS A KILLERRR- still trying to fix it up). 
• OOMG. -__- After his finish his problem —- again, it didn’t work. Guess what… YUP. Gotta run through it and help him fix it. 
• OKAY. I FINALLY THOUGHT we can work on the last problem together. I kinda got a gist of how to do it.. but I need some help or it would have been nice to get work with someone right? -cough-partnerprojectcough- TWO BRAINS > one brain 
• but omgggggg. HE WAS LIKE “I have go. maybe we should work on this separately.” (….aka… you should do it…)
• Me: Are you free anytime later then…?
• Him: No.. I really have to go. Bye (okay he didn’t say the bye part.. lols but he literally JUST DITCHED ME JUST LIKE THAT.) 
• okay………… I just wasted x number of hours commuting there and getting NOTHING done. I mean I could’ve done what I did there AT home and SAVED me the 4 hours of commute + 2? 3? hours of seating there. butt nope. oh well Idek.
• I was still hanging on the edge. (My sanity, I mean.)
• UNTIL MY LAB PARTNER TEXTED ME. This is whole another story, my friends. Okay, so for post lab reports…. 
• I have been doing them all by myself and she’s basically getting a free ride to all the points. I honestly don’t mind. Because it helps me learn. Plus, she never wants to meet up to do them together. Actually, for the first few labs, we did set up times to meet, but she would always make up an excuse last minute to flake on me. And girl, I decided I have no time for that shit. I guess it’s just me doing everything. 
• BUT OMG. This time, we have a presentation to do too right. And the powerpoint for the presentation is just a lot of research and busy work but it’s not hard. I straight out told her that I can’t work on the ppt and post-lab until Sunday night (and that’s only if I finish my CS project too). She’s like, “oh that’s fine. I will do the ppt.” I WAS SHOCKED AND BEYOND HAPPY cause that takes a whole load off me. So damn grateful she’s actually doing something…..
• Then as the week went by. She texted me, “Oh, I can’t start on the powerpoint until Sunday night because I have a party to attend/host this weekend.” Me: …. Oh.. okay. that’s fine, because I probably won’t start til then. (Because you know CS.)
• THEN JUST WHEN MY CS PARTNER DITCHED ME earlier today. SHE TEXTED ME. “Bao, I have a migraine. I can’t do the powerpoint at all.” (more streams of excuses) and she made it pretty clear I should do that along with the lab report.
• Omg. I think I just wanted to break down in public and pull my hair out. I was —- yes, beyond crazy at that point. 
• Without hesitation, I texted S and M. I needed to vent and I couldn’t have made it home to rant on tumblr.
• I am SO DARN GRATEFUL FOR THEM<3 my lovely souls<3 
• So after letting it all out, I have pretty much forgot the whole mess. And accepted the fact, this is my fate, my luck, my life. I gotta suck it up and do what I need to do. And I wasn’t planning to write about this UNTIL this happened just now.. 
• So after I left school, I headed back to SF. Went to JT to get food before I go home
• food + exo + true friends = only things keeping me sane. 
• headed home, tumblr just a bit (like 5 minutes), dropped dead (short nap til H’s text work me up), went back to debugging and finishing up the project — getting there.
• I repeatedly tell myself: Bao, it’s going to be okay. Bao, it will be okay. You are almost done. You can do it!!
• But just now or earlier before I decided to write this post…
• My mom came into my room. And she wanted me to get a hold of my grandmother’s doctor.
• but for god’s sake it’s 9PM… how would I be able to reach her. And I told her that, so she told me to email these documents to the doctor instead.. I was like okay.
• But I made it clear to her again, the doctor probably won’t check her email until the next day aka I won’t be getting an instant reply or get a hold of her live. 
• My mom doesn’t understand that because she thinks the emailing system is analogous to “phone calls” irl. (no…..mom….)
• So she got really pissed how i can’t do what she wants. (she’s always like that, and let’s just say it’s not pretty when she is mad or doesn’t get things her way…) 
• So she started saying these hurtful things. She always do. And I always try to brush it off, because I know she doesn’t mean. She always let her anger dictate her actions.
• But earlier… when she said: “why did I even give birth to such a useless bitch like you.” (in chinese of course) I … I couldn’t take it earlier. I am so tired. I am so stressful. and she can’t empathize  with me. She can’t see any of it. 
• I said “excuse me” with an attitude because, honestly, I have had just enough today. I am sorry if you were my breaking point. 
• Then she continued on into another putting down session. I just remained silently as my heart keeps breaking and breaking.
• I wanted to swallow myself up— actually I think my self-pity is doing that pretty well.
• We ended the whole session in bitterness. 
• I went to shower off my feelings, but it didn’t work. So here I am .. trying to recompose my emotions. reflecting what’s the point in anything and if everything is even worth it.. because honestly…
• I feel like I only pity myself this much because no one can ever sympathize with me. My parents never understand the stress I go through or see what I am handling.. they assume I go to school, come home, happy rainbows. Or even when I tell them I have a lot on my plate for school, my mom just tells me.. maybe I should quit school…. lols… very encouraging… lols. 
• Idk. I just feel like I am never ever appreciated in anything I do. There’s no point in caring so much when no one even shed an ounce of acknowledgment for my existence or what I do. I feel nothing but emptiness.
• If I do something right, it’s like I am suppose to have done that anyway. But if I don’t do something right, suddenly everything is my fault. I don’t deserve anything because I am so incompetent. I am sorry……
• Really though.. it just breaks my heart so much.
• for instance, I was sick the whole week last week (still recovering). I was coughing and sniffing non stop the whole week…But not a single person in my family asked for my well-being. Not even my brother. 
• They always see a Bao who go to school, come home, get good grades (or relatively good grades)… 
• they will go to her when they need something done, but .. they never put a slight effort to… nvm
• I don’t even want to dwell on this anymore.
• It’s sad because this time…. I am not feeling any better even after I write things out
• I want to go back to finishing my work
• I wish I can split my consciousness. or really. had a pause button for my emotions because
• there’s so much to do and I can’t afford to mope over shit liek this.

Breathe. it’ll be okay.

just breathe.. 

on a side note. I am thankful for all my friends, my brother, and my parents. Regardless, how shitty you guys make me feel, I still love all of you with my fucked up heart.